More on Prayer...

Following up from my previous post on Prayer, Things have been
interesting, for example, i feel that i don't know how to pray and
this frustrates me. More so, i feel uncomfortable during prayer
meetings. Every thursday there is a prayer meeting, and this thursday i
did not feel as though i could stay through it, so i went to the
bathroom and did not return to it.
I would love to say that this was the extent of my prayer struggle,
unfortunately i haven’t really been having great prayer times on my
own either...
Right ok, this next part may seem to be a really big leap from what i
just said, but i am not too sure how to link them together, and in
my mind they lead on from each other. During this period of my prayer
struggle, i have been thinking what it means to be lukewarm. Also i
was thinking about me just not praying ‘properly’, and what effect that
had on my relationship with God.
Though this doesn't make me a bad person (well, in some ways perhaps it
does?),
but what i'm trying to say is that even non-Christians, and Christians who
have fallen away, or who are less committed can still be ‘good’ people.
I am NOT thinking
about giving up my faith, no not at all, i want to go deeper,
but prayer is such a big part of it and at the moment i am going
through a desert.
Another factor that has been influencing me over the past couple of
weeks is the thought: 'what puts someone off going to church?' 'why do
people get hurt by the church and how?' I am currently living with someone
who has
decided to turn away from his faith, and i want to understand why that is. I
also want to
know why people who are not Christians decide to become Christian...
What is
it that makes someone go one way or another...
The other day i found it. I was not really feeling up to being at
church and i was ready to walk out apart form the fact that it was
pouring with rain. We were having communion and i thought that it would be
wrong for me
to go up at that point, so i tried to find what it said
about communion in the Bible. Unfortunately i didn't find it, but i
did read Matt 26 (the middle of it) and at the moment i was intrigued
by Jesus. I realised what frustrated me so much, not in just church but
just in general with Christian communities. There seems to be a
‘fakeness’ to them. That’s what really gets to me.
Sometimes i really
feel ashamed to say that i am a Christian, because it has put so many
people off, and i can see it for myself right now. It is the fakeness
of the people. Please understand i am not pointing the finger at
anybody or any group specifically. But as i read the bible in church
on Sunday, i saw that Jesus was real with His disciples. That He was
kind, calm, knew what He was here for and followed the Fathers
wishes...
I don’t want to be fake... i want to get to know this Jesus that i
read about in the Bible. Who is real. I really just can't stand the
fakeness and what we, Christians, have made Christianity into. Not every
Christian is fake, hear me on the one loud and clear, but people have
been hurt through the fakeness of certain people within the Christian
community and therefore have labelled it that way...

By fake/fakeness I mean when people put up an image, and when they think that they know best for the group, or even when they just think that they know best and that they are better than people who don’t believe exactly the same thing as them. However, it also means something else, and I am trying to explain it, but I am having a bit of trouble, I guess it is the imperfectness that we, as imperfect beings have brought into Christianity. Sometimes you can just say no, this is not what Jesus would have done. I want to be able to do that, but then to go and do what Jesus would have done… Does this make sense?
Take care
Alex